Holiday Doom

It's finally December and x-mas is coming up in a couple of weeks...so are my finals which I dread to no end. I should be happy that it's gonna be break after the 18th but instead, I'm stressing about finals and the fact that im probably failing more than one class. I know one class I'm passing with flying colors in. Asian Fail is an A+. I even got good recognition for it. I'm totally loved by the successful people who just can't cut it in school.

Anyways, I'm really happy that its the seasons but I gotta some how get my hands on the With Love Collection 3 Piece Gift Box for my friend cause she wants it but doesn't end up getting it when ever she sees it. I should at least get her something for being my ride home sometimes which is what my rational is thinking. The only thing that I can think of is something pink, soft, and cute but there are those kinds of things everywhere...especially at Sanrio...that's just a pink store waiting to get raided for cute things. I want to get a present for another person but I can't find the thing she wants so I'm just going to have to find something cute, fuzzy, and ultimately useless that we both will love and probably get named after food again. I want to make people happy but then would I sacrifice my own happiness then? Nah...I do that enough as it is so I think I'll be happy as well. There's plenty of stuff that fall under that category so that won't be hard to find...I think.

Now for myself which means I can be selfish for this moment in time =D What do I want this year...and next...and maybe the year after...
Wish List: I want...
New music (my music collection just sucks)
New Game? (don't think so...I think I have enough as it is)
New Ipod (Camera's are fun but touch screens are even better =P)
Laptop (I want a laptop like there's no tomorrow)
Clothes (Dark, bright, I don't care as long as I like it but then again...you don't know my fashion >.<)
Shoes (Black and Grey vans would be nice but I will definately kill it quickly)
Plush Dolls (I can never have enough plush dolls that I won't go crazy over...unless i hate its color)
You paying my Fanime expenses (if I decide to go next year...probably won't but you never know)
Nat's Autograph (love her vlogs cause she's funny =D)

There's probably more but these are the only things that come to mind right now =P This should help you get me something good and love you forever (not really but you get the idea >.>)

Have a great December and hope things work out for the best...especially if you're x-mas shopping for me ;D or just being a complete moron and studying for finals then I don't love you. Just kidding, I'll still love you but I won't talk, text, IM, video chat, or other modes of communitcation with you. Basically...the main point would be...you just don't exist...

Bye Bye! =D

I'd Like to Make Myself Believe

"I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems"

Funny how time flies in this world that we live in. Can't really believe that the last post I put was in May but then again this is me and my blog you're reading and I'm writing so anything's possible. Everything changes in this world, don't you think. It's such a pretty thing to think about sometimes. You know, what tomorrow will bring and all that.

So much has happened but I'm not gonna spill my guts all over the floor today and make an impossibly long blog but its pointless. Everything started anew for the Senior me but I have to learn to let somethings go and move on like everyone else. I think I'm just taking my friends departure a little to hard but the hardest thing for me to take is falling in love with my military enrolled friend. It's strange how I now feel comfortable just saying but then again it would be awkward if I told him so I'll one day tell him. A new start means a lost person but I'm not lost yet. I'm still on the map and walking down the paths that light shine upon. Wonder if anyone will now believe me when I say "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me to make you be too worried about me." I couldn't say that when I got a fever but that's a different story.

I think the only thing that hasn't changed about me is me. There's no other way to describe it without going into too many detail...really hate when I have to describe myself to another person because they're so dense and dumb. Sure I am judgemental sometimes, really blunt, and some times be self absorbed but I still have my good qualities like everyone. In between the the world of being self absorbed and considerate, I'd probably be one of the people who fits the picture. There are people who stand next to me but I don't know who they are. I'll find them but not in the future.

An early set of thanksgiving words. The few things that I am thankful for is my BFex Aubrey cause she's just a sweet doll. Sure we get each others cases but we keep fitting like mold or clay...or what ever you wanna compare us to. Another one is my Grace, Mai, cause we apparently fit together in that scenario only difference is that we're viet and not White. Lastly...won't tell you =P That's my little secret. It would be a little too much if I devulge my largest thanks that I have in my heart.

Stand tall and sit upon the wings to life =D Sleep tight everyone asleep in the world and good morning to those who woke up. Happy Thanksgiving (I know this is early but it's better than nothing)

One more thing, I'll be seeing a certain someone next monday so I hope that works out for the better.

Hugs and Kisses World! This will probably be the last for "What Blog?"...or will it?O_O

"To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes"

Don't own the lyrics to "Fireflies" by Owl City

It's been too long to say it's old =D

It's been quite a while since I made my last blog which i find quite funny in a way. Usually I'd be in a more depressing mood but since this is after my philosophy final...it feels completely different...like...ya know...brain dead =P Guess that can't be helped at all.

When I think about things that has happened for the past four to five months, it is actually vague or nonexistent. It can't be helped if I don't want to remember anything. I dunno, I guess things are like this for a reason like my depression and all the various things that are attached to me. The thing that does stand out the most is seeing her happy. There's nothing else that I remember quite clearly...face wise...in my entire being though...I have no clue what I'm trying to say exactly. Things are meant to happen for a reason and I will always accept that no matter the situation.

Hm...I can't wait for my SAT scores to come out so I can see how badly I did. Since I'm Asian people would think I'm super smart and the world would end if I wasn't but fuck them. Other than that...I have to pass my classes and I doubt I'll pass philosophy with a "C" or better...so much for being a good student though it can't be helped for the most part. *Sigh* I wonder if I should do some Facebook Quizzes to pass the time but then again I have better things to do than that.

So it came to pass that two of my friends have miraculously returned to life after vanishing for a period of time. One was on the verge of suicide before somebody pulled him out and he moved to Arizona to start anew. The other...well...let's just say he had some kids with another guy as well as prepare the home for the bundles of joy.

I think my mom has finally noticed my depression after all these years that I've had it even though I haven't been diagnosed with depression yet. If I can't worry about people then they have to worry about me or so the world goes but I guess that's to be expected from a person. I don't spend a lot of time taking care of myself like I'm supposed to so I guess I'm leading my health into a downfall which doesn't look too pleasant anymore. I know my family cares about me but it doesn't seem like my mom and dad really shows it...probably cause I'm causing some tensions with them that I initially don't want and yet it can't be helped at the same time. Maybe that's supposed to happen though I'm not exactly sure.

I still have yet to find the roots of all of my other problems aside from depression. My theory that empathy can be known is if the person has be reincarnated but of course that can't be proved no matter how hard I try but it is plausible and does make some sense. *sigh* I think I need to see a professional about those issues.

Eh...I think I'm thinking a little too much besides...I have a critique to finish for tomorrow, my music final tomorrow, and more japanese to learn since I just started a few days ago XD

Sleep tight within a world of dreams that is fabricated from your thoughts
Wait for the sun to rise and look upon a new day
But that new day may be your last if you aren't too careful
Who knows what could happen to you
Maybe the genuine hit man will get you or maybe not

Remember Me Not

This is a couple days WAY over due in my book since it was supposed to posted on x-mas. Oh well merry x-mas and happy new years and yadda yadda yadda.

It's better to forget than to remember
It's better to believe than to wonder
It's better to move on and never look back
It's better if things never happened

Things have come and gone which is actually funny if I think about it hard enough and remembered what occurred in the past year. The empty holes that populated my head disappeared when the year turned over so it's my fault I guess. Though it makes me wonder why I wanted to do this on x-mas but I'll soon find out when I'm done with whatever this turns out to be.

It's better to forget things since it will only hold you down and make you look back. For some reason I just don't want to be remembered by people like I should just be one of those things that no one pays attention to. It's actually a pretty selfish thing considering that I just want to die...probably just as much as I want to live. A small clique but it's not a big deal in my life. To erase is easy but to face is the hardest thing that has come around within my life.

This past year is quite special though considering the fact that things happen for a reason and the chain effect of one thing leading to another. I never gave up the notion of wanting to die but for the first half of 2008 I wanted to live and yet there was no purpose for it, no actual drive so to speak. Even though I spiraled into depression in the second half, a horrible one filled with so many problems I can't even count, it is something to look back at. The people I met, the friends I made, the many things that I became exposed to was just exciting in a way.

I don't know what happened to me in the past year but it is a roller coaster like everything else. As one year ends another begins and the cycle starts anew waiting to played with like a child's toy just waiting to be used on x-mas day. I wanted my happiness to end but how can it end? I sacrifice it for others but still it lives on. A fading picture is what I think it will look like as time shines on it. The bright and vibrant colors in the beginning and then the dark and gloomy colors in the end.

I guess there are just things that I can't run from and disappearing seems to be one of them mostly because one person loves me to no end, I do more to others than I believe, and...well...I don't know what a third could be. I remember the reason now. I don't want people to be saddened by what I have done within their lives so it's better if they forgot all about me entirely. In order to do that though I would need to be erased from existence and I'm sure there are plenty of people who will object to that no matter how hard I try to convince them.

It's better to forget than to remember
It's better to believe than wonder
It's better to move on than look back
It's better to live than to die