You Can Only Go So Far...

I stand in darkness only to see two sides pull at my soul.
I shouted "Let me go and let me fall."
The strange thing is, both sides told me that "You must live if you truly want to die"

It's weird to think about something when it is a total mystery to myself. Even though x-mas should be coming around, I don't feel all that special about myself or should I be happy. It's strange though how my emotions get the better of me as I look forwards and backwards at my own life. Even now, I feel like I should just shoot myself all over again but I can never bring myself to do it. I can never cause any physical harm to myself no matter how determined my mind is set to the task. Memories are what gets in the way. There is always so far that I can go before I have to turn back. There is always so far I can go before I can never return. I stand at that border but I can't make up my mind whether to keep on moving or to just turn back to the life that I once lived. The life that made me happy about myself. The life that brought myself into a greater form of existence.

Even my friend, is conflicted within herself due to the changes that has been going on in her life. Sure I can't make a shred of sadness that isn't real and not moved by movies but that doesn't mean I can create an attempt to. It's actually sad how she loves someone for so long and even "married" him only get it shot back into her face of "we are married?" I can't say that was a good thing he did but it isn't the worst thing that I have seen. I believe that I did the worst when I compare him to me. Sure he's good looking and a ladies man but what true affection do they actually share. This is the truth if you ask me. He never loved her to begin with but to tail her along for so long isn't right, even if I did the same thing which is something I regret doing along with a bunch of other things.

I can only take her for so long before I have to face reality and wonder whether I am even doing the right thing in the first place. Sure, my etiquette isn't the best thing in the world next to an English gentleman but people must understand that everything has a reason. I don't know my reason but that probably leads to why I don't say "thank you" after receiving something sometimes. All I do is crack a smile and either proceed with the conversation or change the topic. Even someone's patience can be pushed to the limit. I probably associate the words "thank you" with something of a bad event that follows. There are sacrifices that are needed to be made but not everyone is lost along the way.

I can't tell whether I really did push anything further than it is supposed to or not but it feels like I pushed myself so far, far beyond that border. The sadness that I can rarely feel, the tears that I seem to never be able to produce during the sad moments that are meant to be sad, and the love that I just refuse to accept. It's funny though how I want to be left alone by pushing people away and creating this circle of safety around me. I wonder if the safest thing for me to do is to isolate myself from the world but I know that is impossible for me to do. Leaving a group of people I can still talk to is okay but leaving society all together is hard to grasp. There is a line I crossed for a lot of things such as my own depression as I struggle to find that border. It's strange though but with the help of my friend, I am slowly finding it at a cost of my own mental health and maybe my physical health as well.

I'm sorry for what I'm doing to you and all the problems that arose but I think it would be better for me if things just settle down for now. Things like problems that are making you sad because I am losing the thoughts I need to make you feel better about yourself with or without a hug. That isn't really asking for a lot but it can strain the relationship between us which I don't want to do no matter how much I think that the idea is a good one. It just can't be helped if you asked me. The more things that I learn about that are sad and depressing just continues to eat away at my thoughts until it has basically lost direction. I know some of the sad things aren't meant to happen but they just do and you need to vent it onto someone who can make you feel better. For now, I'm not the one. I'm probably one of the last people you'd turn to at the end until I can regain my thoughts again and return to my usual self. I just wish it didn't have to turn to this but it did. I don't want to push it any further than it already is.

How much pain can I take and continue to live with all of the concern that is floating around me? How long will I last as I try to make amends with myself and those who I hurt? I can't say for sure but I don't want to take it too far that I end up losing myself in the midst of disaster. Maybe I can fix it and maybe I can't but for one thing, it hurts to do what I'm doing it, throwing away my own life bit by bit for the relief that I desire.

"You must live if you truly want to die."
Turning around to look behind me was that border of no return.
I've pushed myself this far and now what will I do?
I have lived so why am I not dead?

Confessions - A Healing Process, An Awakening Moment

Today is now going to be a down hill from me if I don't start studying soon. I still have home work to complete by Thursday and if I don't shape up soon, I will fail my classes which is something I refuse to let happen, mainly my math class because my mom keeps thinking I will fail. I don't even know if she even considers that people have different ways of studying and even if I tell her she will try to get me to change I predict but I don' want to go through with it so I won't even bother and continue studying the way I do. I bought those fountain pens because I couldn't constrain myself so now I'm going to run short by the end of next week T_T

Confessions are what relieve the soul of heavy burdens that hold them back. Confessions are the healing magic or band aids that healing a soul that is rotting in secrecy so confessions are the truths to our lies and maybe sins depending on how "religious" people consider it. We are full of confessions that are waiting to be spoken like rumors we started so long ago or thefts that we committed for something we wanted regardless of the consequences. I think the people who don't confess are the weakest and those that do end up the strongest but due to the society is completely unstable. I can see that because there are people who will climb the social ladder with honesty and dignity and those through greed, lying, and cheating.

I have many confessions myself but I have already spoken them out to the world and yet no one heard. I guess it would be because it was so long ago. I can't really tell if my confessions really did any damage to myself but I guess it sort of did since I could say it is quite a contribution to my current state. I don't know how I am able to keep together but I sort of feel like Bella from Twilight. That empty void she has in her heart anyways.

Secrets are what chew people up and spit them out since it can't be told to even the most trusted person due to special reasoning. Any secret I'm told will get forgotten overtime so it wouldn't do any harm anyways. I just wonder if I have other confessions that I still have yet to tell. Any lies? Any thefts I don't know about? Any broken promises? That I guess I won't know until a lot later, probably when I die or something like that.

The confessions are painful and have healing wonders though they are questionable. I have a confession that probably contributes to my current state and I'm sure that it could help relieve me of some burden that is hidden within my heart. My confession is that I am devoid of love through out my child hood or that I deny the feeling of someone else's love. Such a depressing thing but I want to know why now.

Lessons

Finals are coming up so I'm cramming in for the next two weeks. Saw a journal that I liked at Barns and Nobel for $20 and I know fountain pens at the EVC book store will go with it nicely. I'll eventually buy the journal, after winter break. I should add getting a leather journal from Barns and Nobel onto my wish list not that I would expect to get it anytime soon but it would be nice to get it for either x-mas or my b-day.

Lessons are learned one way or another so it is quite a debate about how something should be learned since everyone learns differently. It's either through hands on experience, listening, seeing, or a combination of the three so everyone is special in their own way. I need hands on experience and reading so that I can get the fullest. Listening and seeing helps but usually I can get a better idea of what I need to do by reading unless the content is confusing. How something is written is up to the author so I can't really complain that much. If i did though, it would result into me doing really bad things or actually get hurt badly if I tell that to the author and he/she gets really pissed off at my comments.

It's strange how lessons are formed though because not everyone can design a lesson that can extend itself to all three forms of learning. It just isn't possible but there is still a chance I'm wrong just need proof though. I can't really say that learning from one person is the best thing to do but learning one thing from many people is the best even though there could be conflicting ideas. Usually I just sort it out and find some sort of medium so it all works out. I just hope my friend can learn not to get pissed off about someone who just can't learn but I think the same thing will happen to me so that idea's out the window learning how to fly but plummeting to its doom. Lessons just can't fly -_-"

I know my teachers for one have problems setting up a lesson plan mainly because they do it in the morning or right before class is about to begin. I don't mean my professors but my ACCEL teachers so it just doesn't work out in the end if you ask me.

We learn to be better than those who are better than us. We learn to know more because knowledge is ever growing. We learn because it is good for us and helps us survive. We learn so that we are the strongest and it separates us from the weak. I learn so that I don't make the same mistakes twice. I learn so that I can create a new future. I learn so that I can die.

Past, Present, Future

Almost done with my psych debate slides so I'll be happy until I have to study for finals T_T Sorta cleaned out my room but really didn't do it and spent the morning being a kid by watching cartoons and playing games. I have to postpone visiting my friends until next saturday so another 7 days to go.

Things that happen now will happen later. Things that has happened before will happen now. That is the cycle of time which we cannot deny. There are people who will say that that theory is completely preposterous but I think it is true even though some events are not exactly the same which they shouldn't be to begin with. Those episodes of deja vu are either seen in dreams are has already happened once in one's life time. To bad my deja vues are dreams, dreams that are my reality.

Deja vus aren't that bad since we don't really remember most of it anyways and even if we did, we won't know the exact time and day. We also won't remember specific details so it doesn't make a large impact on our lives. I know I want to live by my memories because they hold more power than anyone would want to believe. I don't understand how that is even possible myself because a dream from a long time ago happens now which turns out to be weird. I mean, when a deja vu happens to me, I don't really remember that it is until a couple of times later but it always surprises me how my past is my future. We live in a constant cycle...more like a spiral since a full circle would mean all events would have to be the same.

We relive the days where out lives were the happiest but what days would that be? We all have different preferences of what we consider "happy" and what we consider something else. I mean, happy moments for me are when I don't have to fake it and no other emotions appear in that day. For others it could be the first day they got something really good, their first paycheck, etc. so it's hard to define what a "happy" day is.

Always live in the past so you can live in the present. Always live in the present so that you can live in the future. Always live in the future so you can become the past. That is the cycle of time but that is not the cycle for time and space.

Punishment

Hm, finished my project in class today and presented it to the class so now that's out of it. I can concentrate on my psych debate on monday and then finals during the last week of my last semester so, it's not all that bad. I'm happy I chose easy and good professors so I'm in the safe zone...for now unless something bad happens to me a few days before I'm supposed to take the exam. I plan on visiting some friends tomorrow so that I can clear my mind and see if they changed over the past two seasons so I'm sure it will be a good day for me.

Some things that we do are either considered good or bad to society's eyes which is something that we cannot control so well if you ask me. There are people who try to make that understand but the diversity is just to hard to make a bridge towards since America is the great melting pot. Good = rewards but bad = punishment of any sort of severity which usually depends on the severity of the offense of course. Punishment is something that we have to accept within society because no one is a perfect little angel. There are some that don't cause a lot of harm and those that stick for all eternity which is something that haunts over us, mostly as regret.

My punishment is unknown to me because I know that what I have done in the past makes my punishment what it is today, instability within the mind and not easily controlled emotions within the range of being happy and being sad. Getting help from people and talking about the problem will slowly diminish the punishment but it always lingers near by. A conjoined punishment is repression but I think that is more like a stabilizer because it represses all sad moments that I have come to encounter within my whole life so I think it is more like a good thing. I can't say that sin is the same as punishment but within religious reasoning, what ever reasons they may be, it is viewed as closely the same thing. I don't think committing suicide will free me from my punishment but it really isn't worth a try unless I am really desperate.

Someone told me that "punishments are a way to show that we survive. That we are living and breathing like everything else in the world." I guess that's true if I think about it. How would we know that we are really real though since we could be really looking through the past or future and that the punishments are apart of what we are seeing and feeling. How would we even know if what we are living through is actually real instead of a memory? Does punishment really prove that?

Punishment is like a marble that rolls on from person to another until someone abandons it forever but this marble just keeps rolling for all eternity to there is no way to drop it. I will keep moving until I fall of the rolling world and descend into the place where my world is one of its own where I can live peacefully with myself. I will keep moving and keep waiting for the next day to start and the last day to end.

Desires

Today is a fairly good day even though I continue to spiral downward. What's strange is that last night, I had ripples of numbness coming from the core of my body and expanding all the way to the ends of my nerves. My head also got cloudy and today, I became unsynchronized with my senses and thoughts. It wasn't that bad but it made me uneasy though, something that shouldn't happen. Other than that, I got a project from history, fairly easy to do, and I'm almost done with my English project, just have to print out a picture of Dan White and make the letters of his sin which is murder and suicide. M.S. = Masters in Science XD

There's a place that no one can ever reach without something bad happening to them or that the journey to the place is just to hard. It's the difficulties that have us get pushed away from such a rewarding goal should we have the desire to pursue it. Everyone's desires are different and that is what contributes to our motivations to do something. A desire to make love with anyone means that you have the motivation to fuck with anyone at any time so why not become a porn star while you're at it. There are desires to see to the end of something like a project for school or an individual goal that you want to achieve to make yourself a better person. There are even desires that we share with one another like the desire to get into a good school or a desire to get a good job. Regarding desires for good school and job aren't the same anymore because of the depression that is occurring in America so people are going to school or getting a good job just so that they can survive. Survival is not a desire but a fact. It's either be killed or be the killer.

I have desires of my own which aren't all to big except for a few which happen to be equality amongst everyone and a world in peace. Those are desires huge to achieve since I know I cannot accomplish it on my own no matter how hard I try. Another somewhat large desire is to see people happy and with smiling faces. That is achievable but quite hard to do since this world is full of problems to make the happy faces turn into sad and angry faces. I wonder sometimes whether if what I want to do is worth doing but in my mind, something tells me that it is even if it is hard to achieve easily. With that in mind, I keep moving forwards towards the desires that act like goals because those aren't selfish desires, in my opinion anyways.

Desires are motivators though no one sees it as that. What is the desire that will motivate you to do something?

A world without desire is a world with a mysterious existence. I have found that desire is an essential thing that we need in order to survive in todays capitalist and without that desire, we would not exist very well within society. Competition is a very small part of desire because it is what fuels it to move. I know for one that competition is not apart of my desire at all, it is something that I absolutely refuse to accept.

Lost, Repression, Sadness

Today is exhausting since I didn't get a really good night sleep last night. Something kept bothering me every time I closed my eyes so you could imagine the struggle if the thing that's bothering me to be a large problem probably due to what ever I did that day. I started Chapter 6 of C.o.t.F but I might need to change the title if it doesn't work out the way I want it to. Wrote more for "My High School Vampire" which is getting close to its ending even though it is only 5 chapters long and an epilogue so far. There maybe a chapter 6 but I don't know. Other events today, finished watching Roots =D, essay due tomorrow, project due friday, meeting up with debate team on sunday at starbucks. Everything will work out in the end.

To be lost is to not know where you are and not knowing how to find your way back to where you came from. It's not a good thing to be lost either emotionally or physically because it is very difficult to back track unless you have really sharp eyes and a really good memory about where you moved. It isn't very simple though to back track in today's society because we lose ourselves in the necessities and the good things that draws us into the void. That void also causes us to lose sight of who we are sometimes so we get lost from our origins.

I haven't been physically lost so to say but I have been emotionally lost for a long time now. It is painful to not find that identity that you made within your own mind because of the other thoughts that roam around. To be lost emotionally is to not know what emotions to portray sometimes or to be unstable as I am right now. It hurts now that I think about it, to not find the way to the light that declares you are no longer lost. I still have some sense of what emotion to portray but the emotional lost I feel is the mental loss that I have.

Being mentally lost is not all its good to be. Just living through it is not a good thing either because I have discovered something due to it. People repress memories when it is too much for them to handle such as the death of a loved one or, in some cases, 9/11. My repression moves farther than that. I repress all sad memories that occurred within my life and probably painful ones as well though I still remember a few painful moments during my childhood and w/e surgery I went through. I guess those moments weren't painful or sad so they weren't repressed. My relationship with people though has its many downsides mainly because I act happy around them when I'm not. I see sad events within my own life so they get repressed during sleep. Painful moments occur like wise. My ex reminded me of a time that hurt her a lot during our relationship but even now, I don't remember it at all even though she retold it again. The six months, a total blank in practically many, if not all, areas.

I don't know whether my repression is severe or not because I'm sure that by the time I enter into the next day, I'll forget the sad moments of today and only remember events that are happy or angry. There is a reason why I blog everyday, or try to at least, so that when I look back at my past, I want know what sad things I have done other than all the happy and angry moments. I don't know what I can consider sad though since a part of me likes to play with life and death situations, another is just emotionless, and the last part just happy. I have the sympathy but I lost the ability to express sadness, or so I believe for the most part. I guess along with sadness, I've also lost the ability to cry unless I have a complete mental break down.

When will I get out of the lost portion of my mind? How can I express sadness anymore? Why have I produced such drastic repression?

Sadness is a human quality that has disappeared from my life. I wish that I can understand sadness once more and could keep the ability to do so rather than just sympathizing to something I no longer can remember. At life's whim the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" just doesn't seem to help me as I continue to strive towards the future. I have become something that is existing for the wrong reasons now. To not feel sadness is like a sin to me. Remorse has left my body and died in the strange land I call Earth.

Existance

OMG! I have a project due Friday that deals with the Scarlet Letter and I'm not so happy about it but at least we get to choose who we want to do the project on. Sin is everywhere but its limited to media and past historical event. Mines is Dan White, the man who murdered Harvey Milk, the first elected openly gay government official, and some other guy. Finished chapter 5 of "Country of the Forgotten" yesterday so now I need to think about what happens in chapter 6. Calculus, boring as hell. History, eh, not that bad since we're talking about Frederick Douglass, whose book didn't put me to sleep =D Accel on the other hand is, yet again, a complete waste of my time. Borrowed a book that looks promising titled "Making Gay History" and it seems a lot funnier when you switch the last two words but then it would be an entirely new book.

Existance is what changes the future entirely. One exsistance makes a big difference though no body sees it as one. Those who are sucidal think that way and so do those who go cast their votes for something. It makes a big difference though because if the person never existed and watched the world unfold, they would see the major changes in society that would have never been possible when they did exist. I.E. a person who provoked peace during a time of war is powerful because if they were to vanish from their time zone and placed in a new one, the future would either be ruled by someone dastardly evil or in complete ruins in an on going war.

I've thought about never existing now and then. I've thought about the consequences that follows not doing so because it is portrayed so easily within stories since the idea is reletively a not so broad topic. I did rationalize it slightly so that it is more believable to my own senses. Supposing I never existed, the future would be different and some group of friends would never integrate with each other. There would be someone along the road to do that as my replacement but that person isn't who I am. So evidently, some of the actions that I have caused will be caused by this substitute but only a few actions though. All the others will either be performed by other people or all knowledge of its existance has disappeared.

My rational is logical to some extent because it is impossible to prove since all known factors would have to applied to a person's life along with a substitute. To do such an examination is not even possible but there is a very small chance it is. I don't know many results will come out but I suppose that is why virtual reality exists.

What will the future look like should I cease to exist? What will the future look like if I never existed at all?

Life is like a river that flows on forever and ever in the world. The way it bends to and fro, dropping life where ever it goes makes me wonder sometimes whether we were placed here for a purpose. Like water, life neither brings life nor takes life away, it is nothing but mere medium which does both. It is the essence of life that allows to live for the future that we wish for and can achieve. Life is our existance and forever we are chained to its eb and flow.

Appearances

Well, today is nothing better than any other day when it comes to ACCEL. Didn't fail that psych exam like I thought I would but then again I always say that about ever test and do fine in the end, with or without studying. Went to an AIDS presentation today which also featured people who are actively involved with GLBT activities but they mainly spread awareness from what I heard. I wonder if I need to do a reflective journal on that though. We were never told. Back to the GLBT thing, I got two pamplets that is Q&A about GLBT, mainly for friends, families, and the curious, and a pamplet about coming out which should be very helpful for me in deciding when to tell that I'm gay to my whole family.

Appearances doesn't make us who we are but it gives us a new identity that people look upon with new judgement. Appearances is basically one of the insane craze as being a teenager because we believe we are constantly judged even though people don't really look at us. People will complement on what we where but eventually, people will start to change their appearance to reflect how they act, though, I can never tell if the way people dress really do reflect that. Either that or they just want to look good in my opinion. Even the people that look cute don't really dress in a cute manner so I guess it's not a physical thing :3

I've had my hands full with appearances because WE are way to judgemental of others if you know what I mean and NO! it's not dirty. I look upon people and don't really judge how they dress because that means nothing to me but they way they act is what I look at more but discreetly so it's very time consuming. For example, I don't remember when this happened but I looked upon just one person that appeared in some of my classes and observed how that person acted around others. The clothes, half clique if you ask me, but the personality is that of a joyous nature. Over time, I am able to distinguish what made the joyous nature and what didn't. It's amazing what you learn just by looking but more amazing when you talk to them for a while.

Acting, now that's what I forgot to mention before the last paragraph. The way we act is way to rediculous because of that rediculous idea of being judged by an invisible audience every single day at every single moment...well, except when you sleep. I just get ticked off when people start acting high and mighty when really they are just acting tough to impress others. What a lame reason to act all high and mighty. Even jocks don't act that way at my high school though it annoys me how basically every guy swears and acts tough to others aside from doing completely stupid things. One day, that barrier will break and you can see the real person, not the person that you see on a daily basis.

Acting also comes with steriotypes. Now that is just pushing it. I mean, just because I'm Asian, I'm supposed to be smart and hard working like all the other Asians. Truth be told, I am smart but stupid. I'm good at comprehending things because I need to be able to do that in order to produce good stories so that carries itself over to the other subjects. Some where inside me, that happens and I some how get it. Another truth to the Asian steriotype, I am LAZY and I don't need to describe that any further.

The steriotype that drives me nuts, though I don't show it, is the gay steriotype. Gays are supposed to be all uppy somewhere as in they are really flamboyant. They can't stop talking about shopping and other things that girls do minus the make up and feminine clothing. Gays are supposed to be "dangerous" and a "germ" to the straight society ever since the AIDS epidemic in 1982. Fuck all that bullshit! I'm not flamboyant. I'm not crazy about shopping and other girl related things. I'm not dangerous or a goddamn germ. I'm just a normal person who is GAY. Being gay is different for everyone so don't even think about placing all of us in the same boat because if you do or even think about doing that, I'm going to grab a fucking shot gun, point it at your head at point blank range, and pull the trigger to blast your fucking brain out.

Appearances are nothing to laugh about. What's your next appearance? Heck, what's my next appearance going to be?

The day grows longer as my life grows shorter. Everyday I'm faced with problems and everyday I live through them, sometimes in the toughest way possible. And yet, the light continues to shine as the darkness continues to grow. I'm somewhere lost in the middle but either one will save me from my damage...and from my own life.