You Can Only Go So Far...

I stand in darkness only to see two sides pull at my soul.
I shouted "Let me go and let me fall."
The strange thing is, both sides told me that "You must live if you truly want to die"

It's weird to think about something when it is a total mystery to myself. Even though x-mas should be coming around, I don't feel all that special about myself or should I be happy. It's strange though how my emotions get the better of me as I look forwards and backwards at my own life. Even now, I feel like I should just shoot myself all over again but I can never bring myself to do it. I can never cause any physical harm to myself no matter how determined my mind is set to the task. Memories are what gets in the way. There is always so far that I can go before I have to turn back. There is always so far I can go before I can never return. I stand at that border but I can't make up my mind whether to keep on moving or to just turn back to the life that I once lived. The life that made me happy about myself. The life that brought myself into a greater form of existence.

Even my friend, is conflicted within herself due to the changes that has been going on in her life. Sure I can't make a shred of sadness that isn't real and not moved by movies but that doesn't mean I can create an attempt to. It's actually sad how she loves someone for so long and even "married" him only get it shot back into her face of "we are married?" I can't say that was a good thing he did but it isn't the worst thing that I have seen. I believe that I did the worst when I compare him to me. Sure he's good looking and a ladies man but what true affection do they actually share. This is the truth if you ask me. He never loved her to begin with but to tail her along for so long isn't right, even if I did the same thing which is something I regret doing along with a bunch of other things.

I can only take her for so long before I have to face reality and wonder whether I am even doing the right thing in the first place. Sure, my etiquette isn't the best thing in the world next to an English gentleman but people must understand that everything has a reason. I don't know my reason but that probably leads to why I don't say "thank you" after receiving something sometimes. All I do is crack a smile and either proceed with the conversation or change the topic. Even someone's patience can be pushed to the limit. I probably associate the words "thank you" with something of a bad event that follows. There are sacrifices that are needed to be made but not everyone is lost along the way.

I can't tell whether I really did push anything further than it is supposed to or not but it feels like I pushed myself so far, far beyond that border. The sadness that I can rarely feel, the tears that I seem to never be able to produce during the sad moments that are meant to be sad, and the love that I just refuse to accept. It's funny though how I want to be left alone by pushing people away and creating this circle of safety around me. I wonder if the safest thing for me to do is to isolate myself from the world but I know that is impossible for me to do. Leaving a group of people I can still talk to is okay but leaving society all together is hard to grasp. There is a line I crossed for a lot of things such as my own depression as I struggle to find that border. It's strange though but with the help of my friend, I am slowly finding it at a cost of my own mental health and maybe my physical health as well.

I'm sorry for what I'm doing to you and all the problems that arose but I think it would be better for me if things just settle down for now. Things like problems that are making you sad because I am losing the thoughts I need to make you feel better about yourself with or without a hug. That isn't really asking for a lot but it can strain the relationship between us which I don't want to do no matter how much I think that the idea is a good one. It just can't be helped if you asked me. The more things that I learn about that are sad and depressing just continues to eat away at my thoughts until it has basically lost direction. I know some of the sad things aren't meant to happen but they just do and you need to vent it onto someone who can make you feel better. For now, I'm not the one. I'm probably one of the last people you'd turn to at the end until I can regain my thoughts again and return to my usual self. I just wish it didn't have to turn to this but it did. I don't want to push it any further than it already is.

How much pain can I take and continue to live with all of the concern that is floating around me? How long will I last as I try to make amends with myself and those who I hurt? I can't say for sure but I don't want to take it too far that I end up losing myself in the midst of disaster. Maybe I can fix it and maybe I can't but for one thing, it hurts to do what I'm doing it, throwing away my own life bit by bit for the relief that I desire.

"You must live if you truly want to die."
Turning around to look behind me was that border of no return.
I've pushed myself this far and now what will I do?
I have lived so why am I not dead?