Lost, Repression, Sadness

Today is exhausting since I didn't get a really good night sleep last night. Something kept bothering me every time I closed my eyes so you could imagine the struggle if the thing that's bothering me to be a large problem probably due to what ever I did that day. I started Chapter 6 of C.o.t.F but I might need to change the title if it doesn't work out the way I want it to. Wrote more for "My High School Vampire" which is getting close to its ending even though it is only 5 chapters long and an epilogue so far. There maybe a chapter 6 but I don't know. Other events today, finished watching Roots =D, essay due tomorrow, project due friday, meeting up with debate team on sunday at starbucks. Everything will work out in the end.

To be lost is to not know where you are and not knowing how to find your way back to where you came from. It's not a good thing to be lost either emotionally or physically because it is very difficult to back track unless you have really sharp eyes and a really good memory about where you moved. It isn't very simple though to back track in today's society because we lose ourselves in the necessities and the good things that draws us into the void. That void also causes us to lose sight of who we are sometimes so we get lost from our origins.

I haven't been physically lost so to say but I have been emotionally lost for a long time now. It is painful to not find that identity that you made within your own mind because of the other thoughts that roam around. To be lost emotionally is to not know what emotions to portray sometimes or to be unstable as I am right now. It hurts now that I think about it, to not find the way to the light that declares you are no longer lost. I still have some sense of what emotion to portray but the emotional lost I feel is the mental loss that I have.

Being mentally lost is not all its good to be. Just living through it is not a good thing either because I have discovered something due to it. People repress memories when it is too much for them to handle such as the death of a loved one or, in some cases, 9/11. My repression moves farther than that. I repress all sad memories that occurred within my life and probably painful ones as well though I still remember a few painful moments during my childhood and w/e surgery I went through. I guess those moments weren't painful or sad so they weren't repressed. My relationship with people though has its many downsides mainly because I act happy around them when I'm not. I see sad events within my own life so they get repressed during sleep. Painful moments occur like wise. My ex reminded me of a time that hurt her a lot during our relationship but even now, I don't remember it at all even though she retold it again. The six months, a total blank in practically many, if not all, areas.

I don't know whether my repression is severe or not because I'm sure that by the time I enter into the next day, I'll forget the sad moments of today and only remember events that are happy or angry. There is a reason why I blog everyday, or try to at least, so that when I look back at my past, I want know what sad things I have done other than all the happy and angry moments. I don't know what I can consider sad though since a part of me likes to play with life and death situations, another is just emotionless, and the last part just happy. I have the sympathy but I lost the ability to express sadness, or so I believe for the most part. I guess along with sadness, I've also lost the ability to cry unless I have a complete mental break down.

When will I get out of the lost portion of my mind? How can I express sadness anymore? Why have I produced such drastic repression?

Sadness is a human quality that has disappeared from my life. I wish that I can understand sadness once more and could keep the ability to do so rather than just sympathizing to something I no longer can remember. At life's whim the saying "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" just doesn't seem to help me as I continue to strive towards the future. I have become something that is existing for the wrong reasons now. To not feel sadness is like a sin to me. Remorse has left my body and died in the strange land I call Earth.