Posts
Today is a...questioning day if you ask me. I had to apologize to my friend about my over exaggeration about me being in a recovery room. My mind is some where up in la la land...I wonder if that exists? Other than that, the day has been boring. Been playing my ds game while doing hw so it's all good...for the most part until I fail miserably on tomorrow's psych quiz...nah, not gonna fail.
A star is just dust from different parts of space and yet a star is something that can be used as hope. Isn't hope just something that lives within us as in ideal that something good will come out of something bad? No, hope is not just that but a bunch of other things as well. Hope, in my definition, is an ever growing light that touches every and fills them with warmth along with the belief that every bad thing always has a good ending at one point. Hope is the love that people give to one another and want something for the best. Hope is, I guess, that motivation that pushes all of us forward in our day to day lives that drag onto eternity in the never ending cycle of life as it moves from one person to another.
I have seen hope first hand though it continues to elude me. I see it in everyone's eyes as they work their way through life. I see the invisible barrier that tries to keep it moving so far and yet, a simple conversation gave it a new home. Hope touched me but I never acknowledged its purpose or what I am hoping for. There are things we say with the word hope in it but does that carry the meaning of hope? I have said hope with or without the intention of it. It strives within me, a burning white light, for the better of the world.
This is what I hope for. I hope for a world without war and that peace lives above all. I hope for a world where everything and everyone is still alive for the future of our children. I hope that in the long run, my hope moves onto others.
It's a funny thing about hope though. There is one thing I want to know though, what will hope strike next? In you? In myself? Or in the heart of this world?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Pain
Today has been another dull day as the break is drawing to a close. My mom is getting mad at me just for relaxing because she wants me to do well which I am. I think she still thinks that college for her is like college for me but she doesn't see the difference between the two of us or so I think. Maybe I should ask her...it's just a thought in the air though. Other than that, game, study, read, homework.
Pain is something that we go through everyday in our lives whether it be physical or emotional. I find it funny how there are some days were pain evades us but that is rare. Yet, it is something that gives us comfort for what we do for the rest of the day and even for the future which I have found to be very helpful. The physical pain is usually caused either by accidents, such as a paper cut, or an infliction that is wrought with purpose, a gang fight or bar fight. I wonder if it is easy to distinguish between an accident and purpose sometimes but it just something that needs to be thought about a lot more than just a simple yes or no.
I've gone through a good share of physical pain but never to the point of needing a cast. I vaguely remember having to where a neck brace but I don't remember why. Other times it's usually cuts and bruises from different things from a simple cut to breaking a nail in half, luckily it was only horizontal and not vertical or else I would have been screwed for a while. I got a splinter in the sole of my left foot that turned into a sort of scar because the skin keeps peeling there but I'm guess that's because of walking. The largest thing that didn't get me a cast is head trauma but that landed me in the hospital for about a month or two with about a two to four week recovery period after I was released. Strange how I suspect that it connects with my repression but that's a story for another day.
Emotional pain is like a mar against your mind and soul which sticks to you till the very end or you just remember it. I have plenty of these which I am not very fond of to tell you the truth. The most recent one was just earlier today while reading my psychology textbook which happened to be about therapy. Therapy is supposed to help people but when I was reading it, it just inflicted pain on my heart that made me stop reading until it felt better only to return again several paragraphs later. Other times would have been about my relationship or something sad in my past. The only trigger I need to feel pain are powerful sad past events in my life or powerful sad events that occur in today's society. I know I'm full of sad and/or painful events mainly because I can never remember any of it, an internal mechanism that suppresses any trace of a sad and/or painful event emotionally. I'm sure it is human nature to do that but it isn't human nature to suppress every sad and/or painful events that affect them emotionally.
Pain is something that we can never live without since it latches onto life itself. Even a utopia can never vanquish pain because it causes sacrifices that people would rather die for than give up unless they share the same ideals for the utopia and can care less about that sacrifice.
What is my next pain? Will it be physical or emotional?
Pain is something that we go through everyday in our lives whether it be physical or emotional. I find it funny how there are some days were pain evades us but that is rare. Yet, it is something that gives us comfort for what we do for the rest of the day and even for the future which I have found to be very helpful. The physical pain is usually caused either by accidents, such as a paper cut, or an infliction that is wrought with purpose, a gang fight or bar fight. I wonder if it is easy to distinguish between an accident and purpose sometimes but it just something that needs to be thought about a lot more than just a simple yes or no.
I've gone through a good share of physical pain but never to the point of needing a cast. I vaguely remember having to where a neck brace but I don't remember why. Other times it's usually cuts and bruises from different things from a simple cut to breaking a nail in half, luckily it was only horizontal and not vertical or else I would have been screwed for a while. I got a splinter in the sole of my left foot that turned into a sort of scar because the skin keeps peeling there but I'm guess that's because of walking. The largest thing that didn't get me a cast is head trauma but that landed me in the hospital for about a month or two with about a two to four week recovery period after I was released. Strange how I suspect that it connects with my repression but that's a story for another day.
Emotional pain is like a mar against your mind and soul which sticks to you till the very end or you just remember it. I have plenty of these which I am not very fond of to tell you the truth. The most recent one was just earlier today while reading my psychology textbook which happened to be about therapy. Therapy is supposed to help people but when I was reading it, it just inflicted pain on my heart that made me stop reading until it felt better only to return again several paragraphs later. Other times would have been about my relationship or something sad in my past. The only trigger I need to feel pain are powerful sad past events in my life or powerful sad events that occur in today's society. I know I'm full of sad and/or painful events mainly because I can never remember any of it, an internal mechanism that suppresses any trace of a sad and/or painful event emotionally. I'm sure it is human nature to do that but it isn't human nature to suppress every sad and/or painful events that affect them emotionally.
Pain is something that we can never live without since it latches onto life itself. Even a utopia can never vanquish pain because it causes sacrifices that people would rather die for than give up unless they share the same ideals for the utopia and can care less about that sacrifice.
What is my next pain? Will it be physical or emotional?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Family
Thanksgiving is boring as always even though I'm with family.
Family is something that provides support for one another even though there are triffles that we deal with every single day. It is a wonder though how people can be with one another though even though we hate each other so much but show the same amount of love. Family is something I haven't really thought about so I guess it could be considered as a forgein thing in my dictionary. I know that we dislike each other but mainly my parents and grand parents. There Will be a point where we dispise our cousins yet I can't find that day because it is hard to dispise people who I grew up with and we don't live with each other so it works out in the end.
I have seen dislike within the family first hand though and I have become one of them. I dislike my grandmother because she complains about a lot of stuff like the time we took her to L.A. That was the most stupidest point in time because we take her to where ever she wants to go and then complains about those stupid places. Another point would be the love we share with each other and yet it is distant because we can't grasp that love that we need. I guess family love is something that I also lack or rather lost. To lose something like that is not a good thing but I doubt that I would recover it unless I can recover those other things I lost as well.
What sort of family will develop from a life that has broken it self into pieces?
Family is something that provides support for one another even though there are triffles that we deal with every single day. It is a wonder though how people can be with one another though even though we hate each other so much but show the same amount of love. Family is something I haven't really thought about so I guess it could be considered as a forgein thing in my dictionary. I know that we dislike each other but mainly my parents and grand parents. There Will be a point where we dispise our cousins yet I can't find that day because it is hard to dispise people who I grew up with and we don't live with each other so it works out in the end.
I have seen dislike within the family first hand though and I have become one of them. I dislike my grandmother because she complains about a lot of stuff like the time we took her to L.A. That was the most stupidest point in time because we take her to where ever she wants to go and then complains about those stupid places. Another point would be the love we share with each other and yet it is distant because we can't grasp that love that we need. I guess family love is something that I also lack or rather lost. To lose something like that is not a good thing but I doubt that I would recover it unless I can recover those other things I lost as well.
What sort of family will develop from a life that has broken it self into pieces?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Anger
Today was awesome cause I got to watch a movie that I don't even remember as I make this stupid portion of the blog. Got out early and went home but stopped at Indy to see important friend which lead to a bunch of random stuff like "Will and Grace" (LOVE THAT SHOW) and McDonagolds. Such a good day. Planned day with friend now all i need left is time >=D. OH! Made my online friend who is somewhere in SoCal happy just from a 5 year old's mind XD
Anger is an emotion that caused by stresses that the person does not like, mainly something that involves insulting or punishment. It is an emotion that will never leave us no matter how hard we try and restraining the feeling will only have it back fire on us. What triggers the anger though is interesting because everyone has different triggers, yet, I only know my trigger to be my emotions or something that violates my morals for the most part. There are people who will explode just from lies or ill speaking. I wonder if we can achieve a world where anger does exist but isn't used.
My anger exploded on me many times because I couldn't live with bottled up anger. Sadness I can but anger is quite different. We need to let out anger in order to calm down and think logically. I would just avoid any situation that requires anger unless I am driven use anger as a source of strength to fight back. The times where it does explode though were not good moments because I did things I wished I could take back. Such a moment was when an argument with a friend went out of control and I wished that that person would just die. I said some other mean things and that ended our relationship. We drifted away from each other until I no longer saw that person as someone I once knew. Sometimes when I look back upon that day, I wished that I never said those things and maybe the future would have been different for us.
Why is it that we need to let out anger though? Anger doesn't always cloud thoughts and leads to irrational reasoning. People can get angry for the right reasons but what those reasons may be is up to the person. I believe we need to release anger so that we can feel better about ourselves and move on in life so that when we look upon that day, it is nothing but a funny memory. Holding grudges and seeking revenge are links to anger but those are not the right reasons and those do not make ourselves feel better but a horrible person inside.
When will I explode next? What will I want to regret from that next episode?
Anger is an emotion that caused by stresses that the person does not like, mainly something that involves insulting or punishment. It is an emotion that will never leave us no matter how hard we try and restraining the feeling will only have it back fire on us. What triggers the anger though is interesting because everyone has different triggers, yet, I only know my trigger to be my emotions or something that violates my morals for the most part. There are people who will explode just from lies or ill speaking. I wonder if we can achieve a world where anger does exist but isn't used.
My anger exploded on me many times because I couldn't live with bottled up anger. Sadness I can but anger is quite different. We need to let out anger in order to calm down and think logically. I would just avoid any situation that requires anger unless I am driven use anger as a source of strength to fight back. The times where it does explode though were not good moments because I did things I wished I could take back. Such a moment was when an argument with a friend went out of control and I wished that that person would just die. I said some other mean things and that ended our relationship. We drifted away from each other until I no longer saw that person as someone I once knew. Sometimes when I look back upon that day, I wished that I never said those things and maybe the future would have been different for us.
Why is it that we need to let out anger though? Anger doesn't always cloud thoughts and leads to irrational reasoning. People can get angry for the right reasons but what those reasons may be is up to the person. I believe we need to release anger so that we can feel better about ourselves and move on in life so that when we look upon that day, it is nothing but a funny memory. Holding grudges and seeking revenge are links to anger but those are not the right reasons and those do not make ourselves feel better but a horrible person inside.
When will I explode next? What will I want to regret from that next episode?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Dreams
Hm...what should I say about today...Got my midterm back from history and scored a B- so I'm happy. Had another episode of individual tutorial which I think was a waste of my time since I really didn't do anything productive not that I did in the beginning. Didn't go to math cause it's boring and I didn't want to learn. ACCEL sucks cause I watched the annoying movie Roots and learned about an essay due Tuesday for English about "The Scarlet Letter". What ever happened to "how do you feel"? Other than that, I can look forward to tomorrow since we are playing football and I get to throw things at people for no apparent reason. Anything after that is a complete bore.
Dreams are made up of thoughts within your own mind and is processed by the subconscious to draw up the images that can be seen. Some dreams are fake while others are real. Then there are those that are the future or the past depending on what goes on I suppose. It is still quite a mystery to me how dreams develop though since professionals say that it is due to the mind processing the information that is presented to people throughout their day.
My dreams end up real one way or another. I've always been able to tell when an event I live through is real or not or whether it has appeared as a dream or not. There are days when I never even notice it because it is all in my head. I view everyday no different than another as I progress to the future of the world we all live in. When ever my dreams do become real though, it takes me some time to even recognize it. Either in an instant to up to a life time if it must. So many has become real that I started to fear dreaming and let the dreams just come to me on their own and rather wish that what I dream up is a good one. Dreams are the strange things within our heads.
Dreams make nightmares which no one is fond of. It can create the worst case scenario to the point where someone dies, usually a love one from what I've seen. The death dreams are only created when you have a strong connection with someone. At one point, a death dream about that person is to appear and you will end up remembering it or not. Strong connections are something that develop in relationships but they can get severed easily. I've so far had two though one is more vivid than the other. Just trying to recall them causes fear to strike my heart.
What will my next dream be? Will it be of the future, my imagination, or death of another loved one?
Dreams are made up of thoughts within your own mind and is processed by the subconscious to draw up the images that can be seen. Some dreams are fake while others are real. Then there are those that are the future or the past depending on what goes on I suppose. It is still quite a mystery to me how dreams develop though since professionals say that it is due to the mind processing the information that is presented to people throughout their day.
My dreams end up real one way or another. I've always been able to tell when an event I live through is real or not or whether it has appeared as a dream or not. There are days when I never even notice it because it is all in my head. I view everyday no different than another as I progress to the future of the world we all live in. When ever my dreams do become real though, it takes me some time to even recognize it. Either in an instant to up to a life time if it must. So many has become real that I started to fear dreaming and let the dreams just come to me on their own and rather wish that what I dream up is a good one. Dreams are the strange things within our heads.
Dreams make nightmares which no one is fond of. It can create the worst case scenario to the point where someone dies, usually a love one from what I've seen. The death dreams are only created when you have a strong connection with someone. At one point, a death dream about that person is to appear and you will end up remembering it or not. Strong connections are something that develop in relationships but they can get severed easily. I've so far had two though one is more vivid than the other. Just trying to recall them causes fear to strike my heart.
What will my next dream be? Will it be of the future, my imagination, or death of another loved one?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Decisions and Choices
Finished a retarded poster that seemed like a waste of my time. I also need to make a fake note to give to my teacher on wednesday...such an unhonorable thing to do but I don't want to stay until 2PM just for football. Finally finished another chapter in "Country of the Forgotten" though.
There are decisions within every action of our lives that we must make no matter how big or small it may be. Each decision has its own consequence upon our own lives as well as others, though, it is heavier on us. There has never been a day where we do not make a single decision. We decide when to get up, when to eat, what to do, when and how to do what needs to be done. It is a large puzzle on how decisions work over all. I don't even know how decisions work myself but I find countless choices before whether I like it or not.
I fear making decisions I don't want to make in my whole entire life. We have the choice to live or die. I've considered just dieing but there is always something holding it back whether it be memories or an opposing force either internal or external. Some times I wonder why things are made that way or why they are that way in the beginning. We never look back on our choices until after it has past and the event cannot be reversed. Only under difficult situations do we even think about why we are doing it or why we made that choice. I just only wish that the choices we make are the good ones such that the future of this world could continue in harmony even though it is not quite possible.
Choices are influenced by what we feel and what we think. It is influenced by what others do to us or around us. It is influenced by genetics and biological forces. It is influenced by beliefs that are developed independently. What I have seen though when it comes to people making choices, it usually ends up following what they believe in as well as how it impacts with their morals that lived so long with. Only hard forces that destroy the moral will change people's minds about the right decisions. Even with prop 8 passed, those who continue to oppose it see it one way, an equal way.
I've made some bad decisions in my life that I am not proud of. These decisions are just hard to forgive within myself...believe me when I say I can never forgive anyone until I can forgive myself...but when will I forgive myself. How long will it take then?
There are decisions within every action of our lives that we must make no matter how big or small it may be. Each decision has its own consequence upon our own lives as well as others, though, it is heavier on us. There has never been a day where we do not make a single decision. We decide when to get up, when to eat, what to do, when and how to do what needs to be done. It is a large puzzle on how decisions work over all. I don't even know how decisions work myself but I find countless choices before whether I like it or not.
I fear making decisions I don't want to make in my whole entire life. We have the choice to live or die. I've considered just dieing but there is always something holding it back whether it be memories or an opposing force either internal or external. Some times I wonder why things are made that way or why they are that way in the beginning. We never look back on our choices until after it has past and the event cannot be reversed. Only under difficult situations do we even think about why we are doing it or why we made that choice. I just only wish that the choices we make are the good ones such that the future of this world could continue in harmony even though it is not quite possible.
Choices are influenced by what we feel and what we think. It is influenced by what others do to us or around us. It is influenced by genetics and biological forces. It is influenced by beliefs that are developed independently. What I have seen though when it comes to people making choices, it usually ends up following what they believe in as well as how it impacts with their morals that lived so long with. Only hard forces that destroy the moral will change people's minds about the right decisions. Even with prop 8 passed, those who continue to oppose it see it one way, an equal way.
I've made some bad decisions in my life that I am not proud of. These decisions are just hard to forgive within myself...believe me when I say I can never forgive anyone until I can forgive myself...but when will I forgive myself. How long will it take then?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Stories
Today hasn't really been stressful since all i really did is only think and do my homework which is fairly easy to understand...I hate it when my professor is right XD Other than that, my family finally notices a ring that I bought on Tuesday as wore out in the open. I still work on my stories "Country of the Forgotten" and "My High School Vampire" though the second one is going to die on its own which means it's going into the flames when I'm done XD
Stories are something that is passed down from one generation to another with its many tweaks to what we see fit and important to the story. Of course there are some events where the stories are entirely different from when it first started. People know that it is up to us to write that story but there are people who believe that the story has already been written and we are merely just acting it out. I am in between those two ideas because not everything that is already written is always there. What we do effects the future such that the next move is already anticipated but one small change and we are writing our story until the new path has a new story that is either already written or in the process of being written.
I guess stories move along with ideas and feels that we have inside of us like thoughts. Each story always has its changes because we can never decide on something officially or want to keep the readers attention. Thus, there are constant changes to previous ideas usually based on how something is portrayed. I know this feeling because I have done it several times before while making poems and stories of my own though I don't really know if any of my previous works have already been done by someone else or not. Unknown plagiarism is hard to come by but still possible like this one story I read long ago but don't really remember the details. All I remember from the story is about the hobo and how you can't limit yourself to just what is directed or told to you.
Everyone plays apart in your story to you always need to make the best of it. That's what I learned anyways through the years before I hit the stage of depression. It's a fascinating wonder if you ask me. I know I've changed over the long run but I guess that's just how my story progressed and developed.
What is going to happen next in my story I wonder?
Stories are something that is passed down from one generation to another with its many tweaks to what we see fit and important to the story. Of course there are some events where the stories are entirely different from when it first started. People know that it is up to us to write that story but there are people who believe that the story has already been written and we are merely just acting it out. I am in between those two ideas because not everything that is already written is always there. What we do effects the future such that the next move is already anticipated but one small change and we are writing our story until the new path has a new story that is either already written or in the process of being written.
I guess stories move along with ideas and feels that we have inside of us like thoughts. Each story always has its changes because we can never decide on something officially or want to keep the readers attention. Thus, there are constant changes to previous ideas usually based on how something is portrayed. I know this feeling because I have done it several times before while making poems and stories of my own though I don't really know if any of my previous works have already been done by someone else or not. Unknown plagiarism is hard to come by but still possible like this one story I read long ago but don't really remember the details. All I remember from the story is about the hobo and how you can't limit yourself to just what is directed or told to you.
Everyone plays apart in your story to you always need to make the best of it. That's what I learned anyways through the years before I hit the stage of depression. It's a fascinating wonder if you ask me. I know I've changed over the long run but I guess that's just how my story progressed and developed.
What is going to happen next in my story I wonder?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Thoughts
So much for a happy day not that I have many anyways because of how depressing and unhappy I am even though those two words mean the exact same thing but I felt such a great need to place them in near each other for the sake of me being happy and yet I'm not happy as I continue to spiral down into life with the rest of the people who share the same fates as I do but never the same personality because then that would just be plain creepy so to wrap up this happy and joyous sentence and there I go with another synonym but anyways I didn't have such a great day cause all I did was watch tv and work on a project that is completely retarded and stupid in my opinion along with any other hw assignments I have to do thats due on thanksgiving week. Wow...that's really long.
Thoughts are something that happen on their own based on what we see in during our day and throughout our own lives. It is interesting how they form but it is also a mystery why we think that way. The thoughts could be happy or sad, angry or calm. It mostly depends on our reactions to what is presented before us in some situation such as a restaurant when tasting the meal you order. Everyone thinks differently and there are days when more than one person thinks the same thought whether it be at the same time or not.
My thoughts work in the same way but I've recently discovered that my thoughts are also special in their own way when it came to emotions. It is true that emotions effect how you think but for me, what I think effects my emotions. It is quite opposite than what it is supposed to be. My demeanor thoughts are demonic and yet angelic. It is a struggle that storms throughout my mind and torments my body not that some people would understand the pain and difficulties that I go through throughout my day to day life. I mean, it shows in its own way how my mind is both demonic and angelic based on what I say and act. My words support both feelings and it is up to the recipient to decide how they want to take the words. It is quite perplexing if you ask me.
Thoughts are something that happen on their own based on what we see in during our day and throughout our own lives. It is interesting how they form but it is also a mystery why we think that way. The thoughts could be happy or sad, angry or calm. It mostly depends on our reactions to what is presented before us in some situation such as a restaurant when tasting the meal you order. Everyone thinks differently and there are days when more than one person thinks the same thought whether it be at the same time or not.
My thoughts work in the same way but I've recently discovered that my thoughts are also special in their own way when it came to emotions. It is true that emotions effect how you think but for me, what I think effects my emotions. It is quite opposite than what it is supposed to be. My demeanor thoughts are demonic and yet angelic. It is a struggle that storms throughout my mind and torments my body not that some people would understand the pain and difficulties that I go through throughout my day to day life. I mean, it shows in its own way how my mind is both demonic and angelic based on what I say and act. My words support both feelings and it is up to the recipient to decide how they want to take the words. It is quite perplexing if you ask me.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Love
Hm...I don't think today is any different except that I finished watching "The Alamo" in history but we resumed watching "Roots"...so annoying cause we don't learn anything anyways. I went to Independence today but I went at the wrong time when I promised I'd be with someone in the morning...sort of. It wasn't great like always but it was better than going home and watching t.v. Friends beats t.v any day. My friend is in a rut though and I do hope he recovers because he has feelings for my friend's friend but the friend's friend doesn't have feelings for him after they kissed and had an intemate moment. Such sadness.
Love, what is love anyways? Is it something you can touch and breathe and taste as well? Is it something that makes people happy about themselves by being with the people they appreciate the most? Is it a special bond that people share between each other? I don't know what love is because it is to abstract for me to make an answer. Even though love has many different meanings, I think love has only one. The strong connection between two different beings whether they be human or not.
I've had my share of love but I just don't want to say something that will hurt people and have them hate me in return, especially one person. I can't say the love between us ever existed because it ties into identities. I think I just did it so that it is more one sided and so that the person isn't disappointed. To give a specific gender isn't something that I'll do. I will reveal what I mean one day but that day will be far from today. It hurts to even mention it because of the reason why.
Love is something important to people though because without love, we aren't really human. Without the ability to love, we wouldn't have sympathy for people or to have any direction of right or wrong. Maybe we do have a direction but it is confused and hard to understand as well as make sense of. Without love though, the most we can do is hate and hate is something that shouldn't not exist without love. I think it's that love that we have for one another is what makes everyone connected somehow by some invisible strings that we can't see but feel.
Love, what is love anyways? Is it something you can touch and breathe and taste as well? Is it something that makes people happy about themselves by being with the people they appreciate the most? Is it a special bond that people share between each other? I don't know what love is because it is to abstract for me to make an answer. Even though love has many different meanings, I think love has only one. The strong connection between two different beings whether they be human or not.
I've had my share of love but I just don't want to say something that will hurt people and have them hate me in return, especially one person. I can't say the love between us ever existed because it ties into identities. I think I just did it so that it is more one sided and so that the person isn't disappointed. To give a specific gender isn't something that I'll do. I will reveal what I mean one day but that day will be far from today. It hurts to even mention it because of the reason why.
Love is something important to people though because without love, we aren't really human. Without the ability to love, we wouldn't have sympathy for people or to have any direction of right or wrong. Maybe we do have a direction but it is confused and hard to understand as well as make sense of. Without love though, the most we can do is hate and hate is something that shouldn't not exist without love. I think it's that love that we have for one another is what makes everyone connected somehow by some invisible strings that we can't see but feel.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Identities
Today has been a strange day that doesn't seem to work out for me in the long run. I mean, ever since last Wednesday or Thursday, I haven't been able to get a good night sleep because of my stability but I am still unstable though...sadly. Other than that, nothing of great interest actually occurred besides the fact that I posted two new stories at yiffstar under the story series of "Country of the Forgotten" or something similar to that (plus or minus a few words). I'm such a hopeless person when it comes to life as I continue to try and run from reality. I guess that this is one way that I can cope with my problems that drive at me internally.
There is always a real and fake side to every personality but not many people tap this section because after a while things start to get confusing. I have personal experience because it's still going on right now since I wear two masks for all I know and show a different side of me to two different sets of people, those who look and those who don't. I can't find what I really am because I have lost sight of my true self, that true identity that makes me different from others. The self image that I created is a confusing one because I think it's been split between these two audiences and it seems that the true me is another audience in my life so I suppose I have three audiences looking at me. The split that occurs drives people insane and confuses them as they look for themselves but I know that everything always starts with small steps. The first small step though is what I don't know. People will say that it's getting help but I think it's different. I think that the first step is not help but something much simpler, maybe something like observation. People can't get help without observation. It does develop though, that is a good thing and eventually we, people who are lost and confused, will get out of that state of confusion and only have one identity to show to everyone.
There is always a real and fake side to every personality but not many people tap this section because after a while things start to get confusing. I have personal experience because it's still going on right now since I wear two masks for all I know and show a different side of me to two different sets of people, those who look and those who don't. I can't find what I really am because I have lost sight of my true self, that true identity that makes me different from others. The self image that I created is a confusing one because I think it's been split between these two audiences and it seems that the true me is another audience in my life so I suppose I have three audiences looking at me. The split that occurs drives people insane and confuses them as they look for themselves but I know that everything always starts with small steps. The first small step though is what I don't know. People will say that it's getting help but I think it's different. I think that the first step is not help but something much simpler, maybe something like observation. People can't get help without observation. It does develop though, that is a good thing and eventually we, people who are lost and confused, will get out of that state of confusion and only have one identity to show to everyone.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Fragments
Fragments are something that glisten in the light as if it is about to reside in some sort of state. It's strange though now that I think about it. My mind is like a fragment, it's in pieces that can take forever to place back together. Sure it's possible but can it be done is what I want to know. Is it something that can be reversed? I dunno, my mind scattered on its own and it is hard to recover from it depending how far my thoughts scatter from one another. I guess I could say that my mind is far from being repaired to a normal state of mind because of how unstable I am. Like fragments, my thoughts must be found and fit together once again like a puzzle piece. Like fragments, some are never found and you get disappointed when you can't find it. Like fragments, each piece is special to fixing something to perfection even though what ever is being repaired never does get repaired all the way.
Some day, I can recover and live my life normally once again. Being unstable though is bad because you can't control how you feel about things. I mean, right now, I have depressing thoughts for no apparent reason. I would be happy at one point and then just shoot down all of a sudden and not get back up for a couple of hours. Everything just increases ten fold and so it becomes quite problematic. I still function like I usually do but sometimes I just wish I would disappear so that I can forget I ever any of these problems to begin with.
But what are my problems?
Some day, I can recover and live my life normally once again. Being unstable though is bad because you can't control how you feel about things. I mean, right now, I have depressing thoughts for no apparent reason. I would be happy at one point and then just shoot down all of a sudden and not get back up for a couple of hours. Everything just increases ten fold and so it becomes quite problematic. I still function like I usually do but sometimes I just wish I would disappear so that I can forget I ever any of these problems to begin with.
But what are my problems?
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