Why I Made This Blog in the First Place

The title sounds really lame if you ask me. The top 5 answers that I can think of are...

1. Cause I have no life.

2. Everyone makes fun of me and I have no friends.

3. The internet is my best friend and so are its stalkers and online rapists.

4. I finally graduated from using a diary. Now all of my most private thoughts will go online!! (Okay...who REALLY thinks that?)

5. It makes me feel...better about myself.

So, if you had to pick one of these reasons as to why I made this blog in the first place and then abandoned only to take it back up now, then what would it be? If you pick number four, then you are both right and wrong...mostly wrong though.

Anyways, I originally made this blog as a place of relief and to be quite honest, it became more than that in my mind. Sure I am revealing some thoughts of my mind into the world wide web where anyone can look at it and read it to their hearts content only to chew it out and do something with it. I know I'm gonna be vulnerable to more than just the public though. The words and comments that I could be getting (if I was getting any in the first place) may or may not lift my spirits. Truth be told, I'm just trying to find out about my true thoughts and intentions. Fears and such as well. Mostly about my self worth is what I'm probably going for.

Being socially awkward with people is sorta why I fail at small talk. It's probably the main reason why I only have a small number of friends and an even small amount that I'll hold onto close to my heart and hope that it never gets removed. Having to go through it once...no...twice already is more than enough to make my self identity run into a fog of confusion. It went sour no doubt. I am afraid that it will happen again but I don't think I'll be able to handle it very well. Let's just hope that something good comes along and does not get torn away from me after a while.

Why did I suddenly decide to make a new post towards the end of 2011 when it was quite obvious that I had abandoned the blog? It is simple. I realized that since I lacked someone I could confide into personally, someone who would be there for me (I know I have one but she is not in town right now), someone who...well...I don't know about the third part. (I swear, it's like I'm a bitching woman of some sort.) So, out of an effort to find ''someone'' like that, i made this blog only to have ''something'' be my form of comfort instead. Sure it can't talk back to me but what do I care? It still listens to me but I wish it would talk back to me and hold me. Guess I'm reaching the point where I need physical contact with someone more than I do my various stuffed animals.

This is somewhat a cry for help (not really) but I'd say it's mostly me just venting about my bad issue right now. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep a promise that I made to my BFF at the beginning of my school year. Then again, why am I going to school to begin with? That's what I want to ask myself but I think it's like my mom says, the answer I give is just a cover up for my true intentions, what ever they may be.

...I probably did not even answer my title...did I?

A Broken Promise

It's already the new year and I'm going to turn 18 in a couple of days...makes feel really old but I am the oldest student in my ACCEL Senior class and no doubt most of my classes if I was still at Independence right now. There are a lot of things that we make resolutions to but most of the time, we break them like twigs. One resolution...or rather promise to myself already broke since the first second of the new year.

Anyways, there's this notion within my mind that there is more to my past than just my simple memory of growing up within this current life. I mean that, I can feel that there is more and I actually believe it because my emotions cannot lie if they are not mines to begin with. This idea is actually hard to prove but I have felt several cases where the emotions I feel aren't even my emotions to begin with. Take today as an example, I watch a movie called "Emmanuel's Gift" which is about a disabled Ghana man who is making a difference in his nation by helping the 10% of the population that is disabled. Within my mind I thought he is an amazing man but my heart told a different story as only my left eye got teary and a slight pain in my heart during the break in between. It's absolutely weird.

There are various others but it seems like its a very weird thing. Alas, the pain and memory only gets increased by my anxiety which I am now fixed that it is the result of being more than I believe that I am. It's like the mouth speak the lies but the eyes speak the truth. I wonder how true will that become. If anything was to ever happen to me...I know it is for a better reason.

I can't lose myself to something that I believe is real. There's no way I can prove it and no way anyone will believe me but as long I know its true...then it is real.

Have a great New Year everyone =D BTW...this isn't even the full picture.

Holiday Doom

It's finally December and x-mas is coming up in a couple of weeks...so are my finals which I dread to no end. I should be happy that it's gonna be break after the 18th but instead, I'm stressing about finals and the fact that im probably failing more than one class. I know one class I'm passing with flying colors in. Asian Fail is an A+. I even got good recognition for it. I'm totally loved by the successful people who just can't cut it in school.

Anyways, I'm really happy that its the seasons but I gotta some how get my hands on the With Love Collection 3 Piece Gift Box for my friend cause she wants it but doesn't end up getting it when ever she sees it. I should at least get her something for being my ride home sometimes which is what my rational is thinking. The only thing that I can think of is something pink, soft, and cute but there are those kinds of things everywhere...especially at Sanrio...that's just a pink store waiting to get raided for cute things. I want to get a present for another person but I can't find the thing she wants so I'm just going to have to find something cute, fuzzy, and ultimately useless that we both will love and probably get named after food again. I want to make people happy but then would I sacrifice my own happiness then? Nah...I do that enough as it is so I think I'll be happy as well. There's plenty of stuff that fall under that category so that won't be hard to find...I think.

Now for myself which means I can be selfish for this moment in time =D What do I want this year...and next...and maybe the year after...
Wish List: I want...
New music (my music collection just sucks)
New Game? (don't think so...I think I have enough as it is)
New Ipod (Camera's are fun but touch screens are even better =P)
Laptop (I want a laptop like there's no tomorrow)
Clothes (Dark, bright, I don't care as long as I like it but then again...you don't know my fashion >.<)
Shoes (Black and Grey vans would be nice but I will definately kill it quickly)
Plush Dolls (I can never have enough plush dolls that I won't go crazy over...unless i hate its color)
You paying my Fanime expenses (if I decide to go next year...probably won't but you never know)
Nat's Autograph (love her vlogs cause she's funny =D)

There's probably more but these are the only things that come to mind right now =P This should help you get me something good and love you forever (not really but you get the idea >.>)

Have a great December and hope things work out for the best...especially if you're x-mas shopping for me ;D or just being a complete moron and studying for finals then I don't love you. Just kidding, I'll still love you but I won't talk, text, IM, video chat, or other modes of communitcation with you. Basically...the main point would be...you just don't exist...

Bye Bye! =D

I'd Like to Make Myself Believe

"I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems"

Funny how time flies in this world that we live in. Can't really believe that the last post I put was in May but then again this is me and my blog you're reading and I'm writing so anything's possible. Everything changes in this world, don't you think. It's such a pretty thing to think about sometimes. You know, what tomorrow will bring and all that.

So much has happened but I'm not gonna spill my guts all over the floor today and make an impossibly long blog but its pointless. Everything started anew for the Senior me but I have to learn to let somethings go and move on like everyone else. I think I'm just taking my friends departure a little to hard but the hardest thing for me to take is falling in love with my military enrolled friend. It's strange how I now feel comfortable just saying but then again it would be awkward if I told him so I'll one day tell him. A new start means a lost person but I'm not lost yet. I'm still on the map and walking down the paths that light shine upon. Wonder if anyone will now believe me when I say "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me to make you be too worried about me." I couldn't say that when I got a fever but that's a different story.

I think the only thing that hasn't changed about me is me. There's no other way to describe it without going into too many detail...really hate when I have to describe myself to another person because they're so dense and dumb. Sure I am judgemental sometimes, really blunt, and some times be self absorbed but I still have my good qualities like everyone. In between the the world of being self absorbed and considerate, I'd probably be one of the people who fits the picture. There are people who stand next to me but I don't know who they are. I'll find them but not in the future.

An early set of thanksgiving words. The few things that I am thankful for is my BFex Aubrey cause she's just a sweet doll. Sure we get each others cases but we keep fitting like mold or clay...or what ever you wanna compare us to. Another one is my Grace, Mai, cause we apparently fit together in that scenario only difference is that we're viet and not White. Lastly...won't tell you =P That's my little secret. It would be a little too much if I devulge my largest thanks that I have in my heart.

Stand tall and sit upon the wings to life =D Sleep tight everyone asleep in the world and good morning to those who woke up. Happy Thanksgiving (I know this is early but it's better than nothing)

One more thing, I'll be seeing a certain someone next monday so I hope that works out for the better.

Hugs and Kisses World! This will probably be the last for "What Blog?"...or will it?O_O

"To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes"

Don't own the lyrics to "Fireflies" by Owl City

It's been too long to say it's old =D

It's been quite a while since I made my last blog which i find quite funny in a way. Usually I'd be in a more depressing mood but since this is after my philosophy final...it feels completely different...like...ya know...brain dead =P Guess that can't be helped at all.

When I think about things that has happened for the past four to five months, it is actually vague or nonexistent. It can't be helped if I don't want to remember anything. I dunno, I guess things are like this for a reason like my depression and all the various things that are attached to me. The thing that does stand out the most is seeing her happy. There's nothing else that I remember quite clearly...face wise...in my entire being though...I have no clue what I'm trying to say exactly. Things are meant to happen for a reason and I will always accept that no matter the situation.

Hm...I can't wait for my SAT scores to come out so I can see how badly I did. Since I'm Asian people would think I'm super smart and the world would end if I wasn't but fuck them. Other than that...I have to pass my classes and I doubt I'll pass philosophy with a "C" or better...so much for being a good student though it can't be helped for the most part. *Sigh* I wonder if I should do some Facebook Quizzes to pass the time but then again I have better things to do than that.

So it came to pass that two of my friends have miraculously returned to life after vanishing for a period of time. One was on the verge of suicide before somebody pulled him out and he moved to Arizona to start anew. The other...well...let's just say he had some kids with another guy as well as prepare the home for the bundles of joy.

I think my mom has finally noticed my depression after all these years that I've had it even though I haven't been diagnosed with depression yet. If I can't worry about people then they have to worry about me or so the world goes but I guess that's to be expected from a person. I don't spend a lot of time taking care of myself like I'm supposed to so I guess I'm leading my health into a downfall which doesn't look too pleasant anymore. I know my family cares about me but it doesn't seem like my mom and dad really shows it...probably cause I'm causing some tensions with them that I initially don't want and yet it can't be helped at the same time. Maybe that's supposed to happen though I'm not exactly sure.

I still have yet to find the roots of all of my other problems aside from depression. My theory that empathy can be known is if the person has be reincarnated but of course that can't be proved no matter how hard I try but it is plausible and does make some sense. *sigh* I think I need to see a professional about those issues.

Eh...I think I'm thinking a little too much besides...I have a critique to finish for tomorrow, my music final tomorrow, and more japanese to learn since I just started a few days ago XD

Sleep tight within a world of dreams that is fabricated from your thoughts
Wait for the sun to rise and look upon a new day
But that new day may be your last if you aren't too careful
Who knows what could happen to you
Maybe the genuine hit man will get you or maybe not

Remember Me Not

This is a couple days WAY over due in my book since it was supposed to posted on x-mas. Oh well merry x-mas and happy new years and yadda yadda yadda.

It's better to forget than to remember
It's better to believe than to wonder
It's better to move on and never look back
It's better if things never happened

Things have come and gone which is actually funny if I think about it hard enough and remembered what occurred in the past year. The empty holes that populated my head disappeared when the year turned over so it's my fault I guess. Though it makes me wonder why I wanted to do this on x-mas but I'll soon find out when I'm done with whatever this turns out to be.

It's better to forget things since it will only hold you down and make you look back. For some reason I just don't want to be remembered by people like I should just be one of those things that no one pays attention to. It's actually a pretty selfish thing considering that I just want to die...probably just as much as I want to live. A small clique but it's not a big deal in my life. To erase is easy but to face is the hardest thing that has come around within my life.

This past year is quite special though considering the fact that things happen for a reason and the chain effect of one thing leading to another. I never gave up the notion of wanting to die but for the first half of 2008 I wanted to live and yet there was no purpose for it, no actual drive so to speak. Even though I spiraled into depression in the second half, a horrible one filled with so many problems I can't even count, it is something to look back at. The people I met, the friends I made, the many things that I became exposed to was just exciting in a way.

I don't know what happened to me in the past year but it is a roller coaster like everything else. As one year ends another begins and the cycle starts anew waiting to played with like a child's toy just waiting to be used on x-mas day. I wanted my happiness to end but how can it end? I sacrifice it for others but still it lives on. A fading picture is what I think it will look like as time shines on it. The bright and vibrant colors in the beginning and then the dark and gloomy colors in the end.

I guess there are just things that I can't run from and disappearing seems to be one of them mostly because one person loves me to no end, I do more to others than I believe, and...well...I don't know what a third could be. I remember the reason now. I don't want people to be saddened by what I have done within their lives so it's better if they forgot all about me entirely. In order to do that though I would need to be erased from existence and I'm sure there are plenty of people who will object to that no matter how hard I try to convince them.

It's better to forget than to remember
It's better to believe than wonder
It's better to move on than look back
It's better to live than to die

You Can Only Go So Far...

I stand in darkness only to see two sides pull at my soul.
I shouted "Let me go and let me fall."
The strange thing is, both sides told me that "You must live if you truly want to die"

It's weird to think about something when it is a total mystery to myself. Even though x-mas should be coming around, I don't feel all that special about myself or should I be happy. It's strange though how my emotions get the better of me as I look forwards and backwards at my own life. Even now, I feel like I should just shoot myself all over again but I can never bring myself to do it. I can never cause any physical harm to myself no matter how determined my mind is set to the task. Memories are what gets in the way. There is always so far that I can go before I have to turn back. There is always so far I can go before I can never return. I stand at that border but I can't make up my mind whether to keep on moving or to just turn back to the life that I once lived. The life that made me happy about myself. The life that brought myself into a greater form of existence.

Even my friend, is conflicted within herself due to the changes that has been going on in her life. Sure I can't make a shred of sadness that isn't real and not moved by movies but that doesn't mean I can create an attempt to. It's actually sad how she loves someone for so long and even "married" him only get it shot back into her face of "we are married?" I can't say that was a good thing he did but it isn't the worst thing that I have seen. I believe that I did the worst when I compare him to me. Sure he's good looking and a ladies man but what true affection do they actually share. This is the truth if you ask me. He never loved her to begin with but to tail her along for so long isn't right, even if I did the same thing which is something I regret doing along with a bunch of other things.

I can only take her for so long before I have to face reality and wonder whether I am even doing the right thing in the first place. Sure, my etiquette isn't the best thing in the world next to an English gentleman but people must understand that everything has a reason. I don't know my reason but that probably leads to why I don't say "thank you" after receiving something sometimes. All I do is crack a smile and either proceed with the conversation or change the topic. Even someone's patience can be pushed to the limit. I probably associate the words "thank you" with something of a bad event that follows. There are sacrifices that are needed to be made but not everyone is lost along the way.

I can't tell whether I really did push anything further than it is supposed to or not but it feels like I pushed myself so far, far beyond that border. The sadness that I can rarely feel, the tears that I seem to never be able to produce during the sad moments that are meant to be sad, and the love that I just refuse to accept. It's funny though how I want to be left alone by pushing people away and creating this circle of safety around me. I wonder if the safest thing for me to do is to isolate myself from the world but I know that is impossible for me to do. Leaving a group of people I can still talk to is okay but leaving society all together is hard to grasp. There is a line I crossed for a lot of things such as my own depression as I struggle to find that border. It's strange though but with the help of my friend, I am slowly finding it at a cost of my own mental health and maybe my physical health as well.

I'm sorry for what I'm doing to you and all the problems that arose but I think it would be better for me if things just settle down for now. Things like problems that are making you sad because I am losing the thoughts I need to make you feel better about yourself with or without a hug. That isn't really asking for a lot but it can strain the relationship between us which I don't want to do no matter how much I think that the idea is a good one. It just can't be helped if you asked me. The more things that I learn about that are sad and depressing just continues to eat away at my thoughts until it has basically lost direction. I know some of the sad things aren't meant to happen but they just do and you need to vent it onto someone who can make you feel better. For now, I'm not the one. I'm probably one of the last people you'd turn to at the end until I can regain my thoughts again and return to my usual self. I just wish it didn't have to turn to this but it did. I don't want to push it any further than it already is.

How much pain can I take and continue to live with all of the concern that is floating around me? How long will I last as I try to make amends with myself and those who I hurt? I can't say for sure but I don't want to take it too far that I end up losing myself in the midst of disaster. Maybe I can fix it and maybe I can't but for one thing, it hurts to do what I'm doing it, throwing away my own life bit by bit for the relief that I desire.

"You must live if you truly want to die."
Turning around to look behind me was that border of no return.
I've pushed myself this far and now what will I do?
I have lived so why am I not dead?

Confessions - A Healing Process, An Awakening Moment

Today is now going to be a down hill from me if I don't start studying soon. I still have home work to complete by Thursday and if I don't shape up soon, I will fail my classes which is something I refuse to let happen, mainly my math class because my mom keeps thinking I will fail. I don't even know if she even considers that people have different ways of studying and even if I tell her she will try to get me to change I predict but I don' want to go through with it so I won't even bother and continue studying the way I do. I bought those fountain pens because I couldn't constrain myself so now I'm going to run short by the end of next week T_T

Confessions are what relieve the soul of heavy burdens that hold them back. Confessions are the healing magic or band aids that healing a soul that is rotting in secrecy so confessions are the truths to our lies and maybe sins depending on how "religious" people consider it. We are full of confessions that are waiting to be spoken like rumors we started so long ago or thefts that we committed for something we wanted regardless of the consequences. I think the people who don't confess are the weakest and those that do end up the strongest but due to the society is completely unstable. I can see that because there are people who will climb the social ladder with honesty and dignity and those through greed, lying, and cheating.

I have many confessions myself but I have already spoken them out to the world and yet no one heard. I guess it would be because it was so long ago. I can't really tell if my confessions really did any damage to myself but I guess it sort of did since I could say it is quite a contribution to my current state. I don't know how I am able to keep together but I sort of feel like Bella from Twilight. That empty void she has in her heart anyways.

Secrets are what chew people up and spit them out since it can't be told to even the most trusted person due to special reasoning. Any secret I'm told will get forgotten overtime so it wouldn't do any harm anyways. I just wonder if I have other confessions that I still have yet to tell. Any lies? Any thefts I don't know about? Any broken promises? That I guess I won't know until a lot later, probably when I die or something like that.

The confessions are painful and have healing wonders though they are questionable. I have a confession that probably contributes to my current state and I'm sure that it could help relieve me of some burden that is hidden within my heart. My confession is that I am devoid of love through out my child hood or that I deny the feeling of someone else's love. Such a depressing thing but I want to know why now.

Lessons

Finals are coming up so I'm cramming in for the next two weeks. Saw a journal that I liked at Barns and Nobel for $20 and I know fountain pens at the EVC book store will go with it nicely. I'll eventually buy the journal, after winter break. I should add getting a leather journal from Barns and Nobel onto my wish list not that I would expect to get it anytime soon but it would be nice to get it for either x-mas or my b-day.

Lessons are learned one way or another so it is quite a debate about how something should be learned since everyone learns differently. It's either through hands on experience, listening, seeing, or a combination of the three so everyone is special in their own way. I need hands on experience and reading so that I can get the fullest. Listening and seeing helps but usually I can get a better idea of what I need to do by reading unless the content is confusing. How something is written is up to the author so I can't really complain that much. If i did though, it would result into me doing really bad things or actually get hurt badly if I tell that to the author and he/she gets really pissed off at my comments.

It's strange how lessons are formed though because not everyone can design a lesson that can extend itself to all three forms of learning. It just isn't possible but there is still a chance I'm wrong just need proof though. I can't really say that learning from one person is the best thing to do but learning one thing from many people is the best even though there could be conflicting ideas. Usually I just sort it out and find some sort of medium so it all works out. I just hope my friend can learn not to get pissed off about someone who just can't learn but I think the same thing will happen to me so that idea's out the window learning how to fly but plummeting to its doom. Lessons just can't fly -_-"

I know my teachers for one have problems setting up a lesson plan mainly because they do it in the morning or right before class is about to begin. I don't mean my professors but my ACCEL teachers so it just doesn't work out in the end if you ask me.

We learn to be better than those who are better than us. We learn to know more because knowledge is ever growing. We learn because it is good for us and helps us survive. We learn so that we are the strongest and it separates us from the weak. I learn so that I don't make the same mistakes twice. I learn so that I can create a new future. I learn so that I can die.

Past, Present, Future

Almost done with my psych debate slides so I'll be happy until I have to study for finals T_T Sorta cleaned out my room but really didn't do it and spent the morning being a kid by watching cartoons and playing games. I have to postpone visiting my friends until next saturday so another 7 days to go.

Things that happen now will happen later. Things that has happened before will happen now. That is the cycle of time which we cannot deny. There are people who will say that that theory is completely preposterous but I think it is true even though some events are not exactly the same which they shouldn't be to begin with. Those episodes of deja vu are either seen in dreams are has already happened once in one's life time. To bad my deja vues are dreams, dreams that are my reality.

Deja vus aren't that bad since we don't really remember most of it anyways and even if we did, we won't know the exact time and day. We also won't remember specific details so it doesn't make a large impact on our lives. I know I want to live by my memories because they hold more power than anyone would want to believe. I don't understand how that is even possible myself because a dream from a long time ago happens now which turns out to be weird. I mean, when a deja vu happens to me, I don't really remember that it is until a couple of times later but it always surprises me how my past is my future. We live in a constant cycle...more like a spiral since a full circle would mean all events would have to be the same.

We relive the days where out lives were the happiest but what days would that be? We all have different preferences of what we consider "happy" and what we consider something else. I mean, happy moments for me are when I don't have to fake it and no other emotions appear in that day. For others it could be the first day they got something really good, their first paycheck, etc. so it's hard to define what a "happy" day is.

Always live in the past so you can live in the present. Always live in the present so that you can live in the future. Always live in the future so you can become the past. That is the cycle of time but that is not the cycle for time and space.